Something that I read today:

'To love someone is beautiful but
To be loved by someone is truly a blessing'

Rambles......

Itz been a long time since I blogged - actually a long time since i did things i've wanted to..... Such time is really hard to come by - and when it comes it just seem to slip away without notice.....

Feeling tired, drained and left with not much energy. Suddenly, it seems like there's nothing much to look forward to. Itz not as if life was a lot better earlier and that itz getting worse - things have stayed fairly the same but maybe itz just me getting older and becoming more grumpy. Well, maybe this spade of emotions just got triggered by some recent happenings which have made me rethink about what exactly i want in life. Watever happened is actually not really a big thing but for some reason itz had a pretty big impact on me - in the sense it has made me rethink about a lot of things. The very things that made me look forward and go on feel like routine and not so special anymore. It feels like i do things cos i have to and not because i want to. Maybe what some friends have been telling me for a long time is true - that I just need a break. Or maybe itz what they call a mid life crisis - except that itz hitting on much earlier - or very much earlier in fact.

Now i have to decide which way i want to head - actually there is not very much of a choice left. Have to overcome the fear and discomfort of treading unfamiliar grounds.

Haiz.....

A Walk to Remember

I finally finished my case report that was due the week before, last saturday. It wasnt exactly a big thing (and it isnt even completely over - i only submitted a draft) but somehow felt like something big was off my shoulders. N i also managed to finish some errands that were pending for weeks.So was chilling out at home in the evening after veena class.

My brother just happened to be back from the bookshop where he had bought two story books. My sister n bro haf been recently recommending some good books to read but i always find myself not being able to get through my medical reading, not to mention story books. Which is something that I felt was really sad cos reading is one of those things I've always loved doing. Nothing beats a quiet sunday afternoon spent in the comforts of your couch at home with a book in hand. Somehow such moments are a rareity these days. I think the last book that I read was Jody Piccoult's Handle with care. N even that was such interrupted reading during my trip to India.

Anyway, my brother had bought 2 books by Nicholas Sparks and that got my sister like really excited. I hadnt read any books of this author before. Since there was so much of excitement about his books n i finally felt like i had some time in hand, I asked my sis for her recommendation. And she told me to read 'A walk to remember'

So that was how I ended up with this book. I must say, the first page n first paragraph really got my interest n i started reading.....

At the end of it, I was lost for words..... The book was simply magical..... It's a very simple, plain love story that was written in a way that rocks you from within..... It was not one of those Daniel Steel kind of boisterous, passionate romance novels but a very very simple, plain but absolutely moving story.

The author mentioned in the first paragraph, 'First you will smile, then you will cry - dont say you haven't been warned.' N true enough, that's exactly what the book did to me. I continued reading it on sunday, whenever i had sometime in the midst of my very decent call. Everytime i went to see a new admission or to do some reviews, I couldnt wait to get back to the room to get on with the book..... I finally finished it today, post call before i went off to sleep..... And as i finished the book, I could feel the tears trickling down.....

I guess the book meant even more because of where I am right now. Where I see how short and how unpredictable life is on a daily basis. Where I see how people cling on to the thinnest ray of hope n hang on in spite of all the suffering that they go through. N where i see true love sometimes - couples who are there for each other, who go all out to ensure that their spouses, who in the medical point of view had reached a point of no return, are comfortable and not in pain or suffering. Spouses who are at the bedside of a comatose patient 24/7, talking n laughing n crying with their better halves as if they were right there listening to them, spouses who truly are around in sickness and in health, until death does them part.

A walk to remember - truly tugs at your heartstrings.....

Itz all about enjoying the Journey

I just had a very inspirational chat with a Palliative medicine consultant today. Being in Oncology, we do tend to work very closely with the Pall Med team. And they are extremely nice people, absolutely befitting the profession they have taken up. She came into the room after reviewing one of my patients and I was summarising a patient's notes for mortality presentation. N so we started discussing about the patient and eventually the conversation steered towards what I applied for in the next mopex and so on. I've always felt very comfortable with her hence told her about how I didnt get through to Paeds and how my decision to apply for BST was delayed by that. And she started talking about her experiences and how itz not the end that matters cos the end will come anyway but itz the journey and the experiences during the journey that matter more (of course, not forgetting the caveat that itz provided that there are no major commitments in life at this point in time). Which is so true..... To be very frank, I never really felt the urge to rush through exams n get on with specialty training. I've always believed that it is important to be ready and feel confident about your own capabilities before moving on to the next stage in the career. I was surprised at the breadth of postings that she had completed before making the final call. And the fact that she had enjoyed every bit of the journey, even in the midst of a competitive crowd of colleagues who were aiming to reach the end faster. I guess, to be exact, there is no real end..... N there shouldnt be an end, or else life will stagnate at one point or another.

So, moral of the story: No matter what the results may be tmr, just gotta take it as part of the wole learning journey ;) Haha

I dont know why I am letting this affect me so much but for some reason it has.....

So it was another one of those crazy days. Exit ended around 7 and after that I had to do a procedure for a patient. Called my boss for assistance and he said he was on his way. While waiting for him, another patient's daughter (in the bed opposite to the one i was doing the procedure for) approached me and asked if her mum could eat (the patient had just came back after a procedure n i had to review her n give the go ahead before she could eat). Initially I told her to hang on for a while as I was in the midst of this pt's procedure (and waiting for boss to come) but subsequently decided to go have a quick peek at the other lady's procedure report n give the go ahead as she had been fasting since morning. HOwever, as i went to the other pt's bedside to quickly eyeball her n give her the go ahead for dinner, her daughter started asking about her condition. Just then, from the corner of my eyes, caught my boss walking in to the other pt's bedside for the procedure. Hence tried to give a quick summary of that pt's condition to her daughter n headed back to assist my boss.

After the procedure, i walked out with boss n sister of the ward walked up to me to ask if i had any problems with the daughter. I said no but she went on to explain that the daughter had expressed unhappiness over my replies to her n was clearly unhappy. Boss was there. I didnt get reprimanded but he just dropped some tips n went off.

I just stood there feeling absolutely drained for a while. But after that picked up the phone and called the daughter up (she had left the ward by then). She said she was upset n felt that I tried to brush her away and not answering properly about her condition. APologised profusely, answered her queries and at the end of it she said thanks for calling her back.

I guess, admittedly I did sound rushed as I was talking to her because I was trying to get back to the procedure left halfway. N in the first place, the reason why I deviated from the procedure for a while was because the other patient had fasted the whole day n i just wanted to tell her if she could eat or not. Didnt expect to be ambushed by the whole list of qns esp since i had explained more than half of them the day before when I spoke to her.

This kind of situation is not uncommon in the sense that a lot of times patients do complain about doctors due to misunderstandings. I've had patients complaining to me about fellow colleagues and even bosses and im sure many others had similar experiences. But today in particular i was very disturbed by it. By the time I settled talking to her n trying to diffuse the situation, it was too late n i couldnt get a medicine for my sister n something my mum wanted (as pharmacy had closed. ANd this is not the first time it's happening. MAny a times I do realise that I neglect my family, friends, meals, sleep and rest for my patients. N hence it does get upsetting when people forget about everything else that has been done n focus on that 1 thing that goes wrong. Itz just a very crappy feeling. N In the very first place, it was out of empathy for an old lady who was starving the whole day that I attended to her first.

Just read my friend's blog yesterday where he was talking abt how healthcare is not and should not be seen as a service industry where people come in and demand things to be done. N worse still come in n demand that nothing be done to them (why come in then in the first place?) I certainly agree with friend's comments. Trying to do a 'service providing' job + dealing with the patient's health at the same time can just simply bbe very draining. I do not deny that being on the flip side of the coin, one can have a lot of anxiety n concern about their relatives' condition, n it is that very concern n anxiety that sometimes transforms into anger.Afterall, I have been on the flip side of the coin as well.....

However, there are many times when i have wondered why patients n families dont look at us doctors as fellow human beings too - human beings with the same blood n flesh n emotions just as much as each n everyone of them do.....

N i have not gotten an ans to that as yet.....

It feels like the year has just started but a month has already passed..... Itz really amazing as to how fast time flies.....

Welcome 2010!

MAy the beginning of this year be the beginning of many beautiful moments to come..... May it bring everyone lots of love and blessings! May it bring good health to all!

Happy New Year!