Sunday, August 31, 2008

Living Iife

All my life I've been too much of a goody two shoes. For a long time, everything in life was black and white for me. It's either good or bad. There was never a grey zone. And looking back, I've lost out on so much because of this. From opportunities to do things to losing out on some of the best moments with friends n stuff. It took me a long time before I finally realised how much I've lost. When you hear people talking about their school lives, they have just so many things to share - the pranks they've played n stuff. I cant think of anything like that. I cant think of something naughty or something bad that I've done. I cant think of a time when I got into trouble for something silly that i did. That's how much of an uptight person I was. Maybe that was why I was always liked by teachers and my friends' parents. But the cost of that was that I never lived my age. N I only started loosening up after finishing JC and Uni was a good oppertunity to think through things n it has helped me find a balance. To a lot of people around me, I'm still very uptight. But I'm happy with the balance I've found for myself and to me that's more important than what others think about it. Sometimes it's just important to let down your hair and let it fly with the wind even though it makes you look untidy. And this is precisely the advice that I give my sister whenever I can because I dont want her to loose out on the things that I did.

So now, I finally want to live life the way I've always wanted to. I want to do things that I've always wanted to do but never had the chance to. And in case anyone's wondering, the cause of the change is purely self reflection and nothing else. No, I'm certainly not being influenced by anyone. And this is probably the best time to do it. I dont have to worry about studying, marks, etc for some time at least. I know for myself that time is the biggest limiting factor. I know that work commitments are so bad at times that I dont have time for my family and friends at times. And life probably doesnt get that much better from what I see my MOs and Registrars going through. But I've also learnt that if I'm gonna sit around and complain that I dont have time to do this and that, there's never gonna be an end to it. Sometimes, if you really wanna do something, you have to make time for it. And maybe because I dont want to lose out on things anymore, I tend to be a bit more aggressive than my usual self when it comes to pushing the red tapes. But I have no intention of upsetting anyone and I dont want to do things at the expense of upsetting others, which is my weakness as well. All i dont want is for my weakness to be exploited.

All I want to do is to live life to the fullest. More than the five years spent in medical school, these four months at work have thought me the uncertainty of life. You can never predict how tomorrow will be like and sometimes tomorrow never comes. And so, I want to live today to the fullest. I dont want to live in regrets. Not anymore. It's not something bad I'm asking for right?It's not. That's what I think and I believe I'm right.

"It's like thinking a caged sparrow can't fly and then refusing to open the cage door to give it a chance to even try........There's a wide wide world out there, and so many things I want to learn and see and do....... Don't keep me caged in now, let me have my chance to fly out too!"
- Dawan in Sing to the Dawn (One of my favourite excerpts from the book)

I was caged too for a long time, strangely, by myself. Resisting the urge to fly out even when the cage door was wide open. Now, I'm finally ready.