Footprints in the journey of Life

2010-10-22T22:33:00.003+08:00

Something that I read today:

'To love someone is beautiful but
To be loved by someone is truly a blessing'

Rambles......

2010-08-14T21:19:00.003+08:00

Itz been a long time since I blogged - actually a long time since i did things i've wanted to..... Such time is really hard to come by - and when it comes it just seem to slip away without notice.....

Feeling tired, drained and left with not much energy. Suddenly, it seems like there's nothing much to look forward to. Itz not as if life was a lot better earlier and that itz getting worse - things have stayed fairly the same but maybe itz just me getting older and becoming more grumpy. Well, maybe this spade of emotions just got triggered by some recent happenings which have made me rethink about what exactly i want in life. Watever happened is actually not really a big thing but for some reason itz had a pretty big impact on me - in the sense it has made me rethink about a lot of things. The very things that made me look forward and go on feel like routine and not so special anymore. It feels like i do things cos i have to and not because i want to. Maybe what some friends have been telling me for a long time is true - that I just need a break. Or maybe itz what they call a mid life crisis - except that itz hitting on much earlier - or very much earlier in fact.

Now i have to decide which way i want to head - actually there is not very much of a choice left. Have to overcome the fear and discomfort of treading unfamiliar grounds.

Haiz.....

A Walk to Remember

2010-04-19T20:23:00.005+08:00

I finally finished my case report that was due the week before, last saturday. It wasnt exactly a big thing (and it isnt even completely over - i only submitted a draft) but somehow felt like something big was off my shoulders. N i also managed to finish some errands that were pending for weeks.So was chilling out at home in the evening after veena class.

My brother just happened to be back from the bookshop where he had bought two story books. My sister n bro haf been recently recommending some good books to read but i always find myself not being able to get through my medical reading, not to mention story books. Which is something that I felt was really sad cos reading is one of those things I've always loved doing. Nothing beats a quiet sunday afternoon spent in the comforts of your couch at home with a book in hand. Somehow such moments are a rareity these days. I think the last book that I read was Jody Piccoult's Handle with care. N even that was such interrupted reading during my trip to India.

Anyway, my brother had bought 2 books by Nicholas Sparks and that got my sister like really excited. I hadnt read any books of this author before. Since there was so much of excitement about his books n i finally felt like i had some time in hand, I asked my sis for her recommendation. And she told me to read 'A walk to remember'

So that was how I ended up with this book. I must say, the first page n first paragraph really got my interest n i started reading.....

At the end of it, I was lost for words..... The book was simply magical..... It's a very simple, plain love story that was written in a way that rocks you from within..... It was not one of those Daniel Steel kind of boisterous, passionate romance novels but a very very simple, plain but absolutely moving story.

The author mentioned in the first paragraph, 'First you will smile, then you will cry - dont say you haven't been warned.' N true enough, that's exactly what the book did to me. I continued reading it on sunday, whenever i had sometime in the midst of my very decent call. Everytime i went to see a new admission or to do some reviews, I couldnt wait to get back to the room to get on with the book..... I finally finished it today, post call before i went off to sleep..... And as i finished the book, I could feel the tears trickling down.....

I guess the book meant even more because of where I am right now. Where I see how short and how unpredictable life is on a daily basis. Where I see how people cling on to the thinnest ray of hope n hang on in spite of all the suffering that they go through. N where i see true love sometimes - couples who are there for each other, who go all out to ensure that their spouses, who in the medical point of view had reached a point of no return, are comfortable and not in pain or suffering. Spouses who are at the bedside of a comatose patient 24/7, talking n laughing n crying with their better halves as if they were right there listening to them, spouses who truly are around in sickness and in health, until death does them part.

A walk to remember - truly tugs at your heartstrings.....

Itz all about enjoying the Journey

2010-03-29T21:19:00.002+08:00

I just had a very inspirational chat with a Palliative medicine consultant today. Being in Oncology, we do tend to work very closely with the Pall Med team. And they are extremely nice people, absolutely befitting the profession they have taken up. She came into the room after reviewing one of my patients and I was summarising a patient's notes for mortality presentation. N so we started discussing about the patient and eventually the conversation steered towards what I applied for in the next mopex and so on. I've always felt very comfortable with her hence told her about how I didnt get through to Paeds and how my decision to apply for BST was delayed by that. And she started talking about her experiences and how itz not the end that matters cos the end will come anyway but itz the journey and the experiences during the journey that matter more (of course, not forgetting the caveat that itz provided that there are no major commitments in life at this point in time). Which is so true..... To be very frank, I never really felt the urge to rush through exams n get on with specialty training. I've always believed that it is important to be ready and feel confident about your own capabilities before moving on to the next stage in the career. I was surprised at the breadth of postings that she had completed before making the final call. And the fact that she had enjoyed every bit of the journey, even in the midst of a competitive crowd of colleagues who were aiming to reach the end faster. I guess, to be exact, there is no real end..... N there shouldnt be an end, or else life will stagnate at one point or another.

So, moral of the story: No matter what the results may be tmr, just gotta take it as part of the wole learning journey ;) Haha

2010-03-10T22:30:00.002+08:00

I dont know why I am letting this affect me so much but for some reason it has.....

So it was another one of those crazy days. Exit ended around 7 and after that I had to do a procedure for a patient. Called my boss for assistance and he said he was on his way. While waiting for him, another patient's daughter (in the bed opposite to the one i was doing the procedure for) approached me and asked if her mum could eat (the patient had just came back after a procedure n i had to review her n give the go ahead before she could eat). Initially I told her to hang on for a while as I was in the midst of this pt's procedure (and waiting for boss to come) but subsequently decided to go have a quick peek at the other lady's procedure report n give the go ahead as she had been fasting since morning. HOwever, as i went to the other pt's bedside to quickly eyeball her n give her the go ahead for dinner, her daughter started asking about her condition. Just then, from the corner of my eyes, caught my boss walking in to the other pt's bedside for the procedure. Hence tried to give a quick summary of that pt's condition to her daughter n headed back to assist my boss.

After the procedure, i walked out with boss n sister of the ward walked up to me to ask if i had any problems with the daughter. I said no but she went on to explain that the daughter had expressed unhappiness over my replies to her n was clearly unhappy. Boss was there. I didnt get reprimanded but he just dropped some tips n went off.

I just stood there feeling absolutely drained for a while. But after that picked up the phone and called the daughter up (she had left the ward by then). She said she was upset n felt that I tried to brush her away and not answering properly about her condition. APologised profusely, answered her queries and at the end of it she said thanks for calling her back.

I guess, admittedly I did sound rushed as I was talking to her because I was trying to get back to the procedure left halfway. N in the first place, the reason why I deviated from the procedure for a while was because the other patient had fasted the whole day n i just wanted to tell her if she could eat or not. Didnt expect to be ambushed by the whole list of qns esp since i had explained more than half of them the day before when I spoke to her.

This kind of situation is not uncommon in the sense that a lot of times patients do complain about doctors due to misunderstandings. I've had patients complaining to me about fellow colleagues and even bosses and im sure many others had similar experiences. But today in particular i was very disturbed by it. By the time I settled talking to her n trying to diffuse the situation, it was too late n i couldnt get a medicine for my sister n something my mum wanted (as pharmacy had closed. ANd this is not the first time it's happening. MAny a times I do realise that I neglect my family, friends, meals, sleep and rest for my patients. N hence it does get upsetting when people forget about everything else that has been done n focus on that 1 thing that goes wrong. Itz just a very crappy feeling. N In the very first place, it was out of empathy for an old lady who was starving the whole day that I attended to her first.

Just read my friend's blog yesterday where he was talking abt how healthcare is not and should not be seen as a service industry where people come in and demand things to be done. N worse still come in n demand that nothing be done to them (why come in then in the first place?) I certainly agree with friend's comments. Trying to do a 'service providing' job + dealing with the patient's health at the same time can just simply bbe very draining. I do not deny that being on the flip side of the coin, one can have a lot of anxiety n concern about their relatives' condition, n it is that very concern n anxiety that sometimes transforms into anger.Afterall, I have been on the flip side of the coin as well.....

However, there are many times when i have wondered why patients n families dont look at us doctors as fellow human beings too - human beings with the same blood n flesh n emotions just as much as each n everyone of them do.....

N i have not gotten an ans to that as yet.....

2010-01-30T22:05:00.001+08:00

It feels like the year has just started but a month has already passed..... Itz really amazing as to how fast time flies.....

Welcome 2010!

2010-01-01T16:21:00.003+08:00

MAy the beginning of this year be the beginning of many beautiful moments to come..... May it bring everyone lots of love and blessings! May it bring good health to all!

Happy New Year!

The dying process

2009-12-25T16:02:00.003+08:00

Sometimes it's harder to deal with a dying patient than it is to deal with one who needs to be treated aggressively. Of course, the latter will require you to be on your toes and the whole process is just extremely intensive. Hence a lot of times, it seems easier to be dealing with the dying one - just write down BSC( Best supportive care) and adjust morphine and walk off - or at least that's what it looks like on the surface.

But after working for 2 months in the department, I've come to realise that treating a dying patient is not just about morphine alone. It's about looking at him as an individual, it's abt looking at the family's needs, expectations and so on.
The hardest questions to handle are ' you are not putting on the drip for him because he is dying right? you are making him dehydrated and it's like murdering him' How do you answer a relative who poses this qn? Even though you try to give a mini 'S.O.' lecture on how what actually matters is the feeling of hunger and thirst and that the drip is not gg to make much of a difference, or rather do him more harm than good, - not everyone can understand that. At the end of the day it boils down to the family's expectations and understanding of the patient's condition, which on the other hand also implies how much of effort we have put in as doctors to educate the families. It's certainly not the eaiset thing to do - not something you can spend 2 minutes in front of the family n walk off but it is extremely important.

A lot of people think that the hardest part of the job is dealing with the actual death of a person. I disagree. The harder part is dealing with the dying process and dealing with the people involved in the process. That's what is challenging. And that is also the satisfying bit - when you know that you have attempted to alleviate as much suffering as possible for this person in his last days and that he has left this world in peace - it is extremely satisfying - it makes you as the physician feel at peace as well. Especially when the family comes to thank you for making their loved one leave confortably - It is absolutely worth that extra time spent for that patient.

Un perai sollum pothe

2009-12-21T22:02:00.003+08:00

I've not heard such a beautiful song in a long time.....Came across the song by chance..... Didnt realise i was tearing up on the bus as I listened to it.....

Oonam enbathu udalil illai manathil thaan.....

2009-11-16T21:23:00.001+08:00

Time is Precious

2009-10-25T17:29:00.002+08:00

Time is absolutely precious......

Have been feeling really tired lately..... Havent had proper rest for some time. It was probably a cumulative effect of exam prep followed by deepavali prep and of course the most important factor: Work. It all took effect after my last call on tuesday which was pretty busy and the day after which was busier. Didnt get to go post call (as usual). The next few days passed by in a daze. I was feeling more 'post callish' than my friend who had a call that was probably twice, if not more, as worse as mine. Felt a bit sick on friday as well..... Was dreading the weekend which I was initially looking forward to as I found out that i had to do a call on sunday. Was feeling absolutely sian.....

Saturday rounds were not bad. Managed to finish work by 12.30 and left hospital early.
My friend and i were arguing about who should come in on sunday. I was telling her that since I was on call it makes sense for me to come in for the rounds. N besides she worked the whole of the last weekend as well. She was telling me to come in just for the call and to take the morning off as I was already starting to feel a bit sick and we have a HOless week ahead to endure...... The argument went on till like 9pm on Sat night. She won in the end.....

Went to bed at 10.30pm on sat and woke up only at 9.15am on Sunday morning..... My boy! I so hadnt done that in a long time! Woke up feeling refreshed in a long time though I was still having residual myalgia. It was amazing that my phone didnt ring all the while (only later did i figure out that there was a prob with my sim card - haha) Had my coffee and breakfast. Then finally sat down to submit my call claims for the past two months..... i was feeling absolutely grateful to my friend..... It was just so luxurious to have at least the morning off to rest and recooperate. I guess I overestimated my limits.....

Well, not to mention that my phone rang at like 1045am for a new admission who was for an early ward assessment so had to come in earlier that I had planned to initially.....

But whatever it is, so glad for that few hours of extra sleep and the few hours at home..... Finding time for myself has become just so difficult and Im very appreciative of the few hours that I got earlier today.

I just had to write about this, even if it was in the middle of call.

On with the call now.....

2 years and moving on

2009-10-12T21:30:00.002+08:00

2 years on.....

The verdict

2009-10-09T02:59:00.000+08:00

And so, the verdict is out.

Some things are just not meant to be I guess.....

I have no complaints about what I got in the end cos that's something that I always wanted to do as well and of course, not to mention that I have good company :)

My only qn, which I guess I'll never get an answer to, is What is it exactly that I lack, that got my application rejected 3 times in a row? I just hope that the reason is something else but a lack of experience cos in the first place, there wasnt a chance given to obtain that experience!

I was prepared for this anyway..... Except that my hopes were a little higher this time round in view of the assurance I got.

I guess some things are just not meant to be. It may not be a bad thing after all. I'll just have to think that I was probably not cut out for it (Itz not being sour grapes in any way) In fact what Im doing now wasnt exactly my top choice but I have absolutely no regrets from the bottom of my heart. It was an extremely good experience and im sure the upcoming months will be too.

Itz now time to shed an old dream and move on.....

2009-10-02T21:07:00.000+08:00

It hurts to be misunderstood by your loved ones......

2009-09-18T20:40:00.002+08:00

I had lunch at 1pm today!
Left at 6.30pm and was aiming to get home while the sun was still up but got caught in the jam......

Little luxuries.....

I really should get a life! Sighz.....

A smile

2009-09-13T23:48:00.000+08:00

Something something

2009-09-10T16:35:00.002+08:00

Didnt realise there was such a nice song in this movie :)
SPB's is the best!

Changes

2009-09-01T20:09:00.001+08:00

I dont like changes
I dont like new environments

I miss my team
I miss my patients

I dont like changeovers.....

2009-08-16T21:25:00.002+08:00

As much as I complain about how busy work gets at times, I guess it is therapeutic in a certain sense as well. It helps to keep my mind off the other things going on. Sometimes, I'd rather think about how to handle a demanding Mr XX's grandson's uncle and a Mdm XY's problems cropping up one after another than to think about my own!

Life

2009-07-30T19:10:00.000+08:00

Life is so unpredictable. We are all so caught up with our daily frustrations, grudges and griveances that we often dont pause to give life itself a thought. One often doesnt realise how soon life can slip away without a notice. A person I was talking to 5 minutes earlier can collapse on me and the next thing I know is that she is brain dead. Someone who is planned for home after a three week long hospital stay just collapses and goes the day before discharge. It just makes you realise how fragile life can be. Haiz.....

Words of wisdom

2009-06-03T21:48:00.003+08:00

After a certain age there is a tendency to not acknowledge your birthdays with the same enthusiasm that was there in the younger days. As the years tick away, birthdays often become a reminder of where we stand and the road ahead. It often becomes an oppertunity to reflect on the journey thus far and the uncertainties that lie ahead.

Nevertheless, nothing beats having that one day to yourself and getting all the attention ;) N not to mention the presents..... Hehe.....

At the end of the day,I suppose, it's about living everyday to its fullest. Tomorrow will come with its blessings and its own set of problems but that's to be faced tomorrow. After all no one knows when today will end.....

Words of wisdom from a quarter-century old being :D

Traumatised.....

2009-05-29T17:18:00.000+08:00

Maybe I just dont deserve to be a doc......

Changeover blues

2009-05-12T18:33:00.003+08:00

Feeling very apprehensive..... about changeover...... As much as i wanted it to happen, now im not sure if im up to it after all. Going back to medicine, the tougher side of things, leaving behind the wonderful colleagues, leaving behind the early days..... Sighz.....

I suddenly feel very inadequate. I dont know if I can do this.

I so dont feel ready for the changeover......

Slavery wasnt that bad after all I guess.....

1st MO call

2009-05-09T11:41:00.002+08:00

It was the best call I've ever had..... in the past one year. I was supposed to run clinics with a senior MO and then of course go up to do post op reviews and help the HOs out if they hve any problems. It started off busy cos I was seeing patients continuously from 2.30pm plus till past 4.30 - almost till five forty five and I had not even changed. And then my senior MO came to relieve me and I went to bathe n change, after which we went for dinner.

We came back to the clinic and were seeing patients till about 10.30pm plus with me running up n down for a while to do reviews. Then, we decided to split the call. My MO told me to sleep from 10 to 3 while she covers and told me to take over from 3 to 8 which was a good deal. So I went to settle a few more changes n slept at 11pm. I woke up at 2 to relieve my MO cos I thought I would have to interrupt her more often at night so might as well let her sleep longer. So i went down to the clinic at 2 and was sitting there till 3.30am (saw only one patient in the meantime). I was then told by my nurses to go and sleep instead of sitting there and wastime time surfing FB. Haha..... So i went to sleep again. N the next time I was woken up was at 6! It was totally uninterrupted! ALthough I had a few mini nightmares of them calling n me not answering my phone. ;)

So in the end, I went to see 4 patients at 6 am after which I started rounds. And thanks to my dear friend's help I finished by 8. I could have technically left then except that i had to help to round another ward. Hence, finished rounds, had breakfast n LEFT! NO POST CALL CHANGES! WOO HOO!
Haha, maybe this is just a prelude to all the horrible medicine calls to come! So I better savour every single moment of this! :D

MO posting - Day 1

2009-05-05T22:58:00.002+08:00

So yesterday night I go to sleep as a HO and today morning when I wake up I'm an MO! Thatz really how it happens.....

From waiting for my MO to give instructions at ward rounds yesterday, I had to make the decisions today. It felt really odd. N scary..... N when my senior MO started quizzing me about theoretical stuff.....whoosh! I realised how much of mundane work ive been doing the past few months n how much my brain has been rotting..... Sighz!

N subsequently I had to run clinics..... Just thrown into a room n left to see patients on my own. Luckily, I was tagged to a senior MO for the earlier part of the day. But clinics are pretty interesting I must say..... Say quite a few interesting stuff.....

N we went for our 'post dates' dinner after work. Was pretty fun!
N Now Im super shack. Better knock off soon! Must be awake for clinics cm !

Last HO call

2009-05-03T19:46:00.000+08:00

I din really wanna write about this call cos I thought it wouldnt be my last HO call afterall due to the extention of HO posting (thanks to swine flu). But indeed it did turn out to be my last HO call cos we are MOs from 5/5/09 as planned. Only difference is we stay put where ever we r now currently.

So Last call - in retrospect
For some reason I was super tired postcall even though the call wasnt really that bad on the whole. The 3 difficult back to back repairs were about the worst part of the call but I still felt as if I just finished a medicine call. Speaking about medicine calls, boy, it truely amazes me how I survived through those days. Even the worst call here, comes only close to a reasonable call in medicine. Those were the days!

So finally done with one year of calls! Really sounds like a lot eh? Haha

Chicken A la Carte - Food for thought

2009-04-25T19:30:00.000+08:00

Chicken A la Carte is a 6 minutes short film. It was sent in for the Berlin International Film festival where filmmakers were invited to send in their short films on the theme food taste and hunger. And this film topped the competition. And I can totally understand why.
In the six minutes, the director captures the reality of starvation and the millions of people who go hungry without food. Itz an absolutely moving film. I was almost close to tears. Also felt a pang of guilt when I realised how much of food I waste.....
The kids smiling and enjoying the left over scraps of food, and most importantly thanking God for that little bit that they have..... My boy, hats off to the director.....

I was reading Deejay Rafi's blog when i came across his entry on this short film.

POD 1

2009-04-25T18:40:00.000+08:00

I woke up today morning expecting to look like a chipmunk..... Haha, but fortunately didnt. My right cheek was slightly swollen but other than that I felt perfectly fine. Progressed from full feeds to soft diet today. Tolerated well. (Hehe..... I sound like Im typing out a discharge summary )I probably overdid the diet bit. Maybe that's why my right sided cheek swelling is getting progressively worse (though im nowhere near a pumpkin yet - i dunno watz this obscession with the pumpkin though!) Not much of pain till now which I am extremely thankful for.....Itz just that I cant really smile very much. I probably look like a sidumoonji now! Anywayz, hoping to get back to work by tuesday!

My experience..... As a patient

2009-04-24T18:01:00.000+08:00

I was due for my long overdue wisdom tooth surgery today.
It was kinda exciting..... Hehe

My surgery was scheduled at 11 plus. I was told to be nil by mouth from 12 midnight. I woke up in the morning feeling pretty hungry and as time went by, my stomach started grumbling. Was trying to distract myself with other thingsin an attempt to maks my hunger. I couldnt help thinking about the many times when I had to tell my patients that there was a no fixed theatre slot as their op was supposed to be an emergency op and hence they had to continue fasting.....The times when I grumbled to myself silently about angry relatives who kept on complaining that the patients had to wait longer than they were told to for the op.....Itz payback time..... Haha.....

I made my way to the Day Surgery centre with my mom. She was probably more worried than I was. My main concern was whether I was gonna look like a pumpkin or worse than that after the op ;)

I was asked to go and change into OT clothes pretty soon. Like almost around 10.30-10.45 even thought I came to know that my slot was only at 12.30. Anyway, itz not like i would be doing anything else right? So I went to change. The scrubs were surprisingly pretty alright. The inner green one which I could wear into the theatre was kinda odd but they gave a blue overall to wear. N subsequently I was waiting to go in. The lady who was scheduled to go in before me was crying. She was sniffing and I couldnt help noticing how red her nose was. She walked into theatre looking pretty nervous

I was just feeling really sleepy the whole time. No palpitations or adrenaline rush or anything like that. A while later, the anesthetist came to talk to me. Explained about the risks of GA ( general anesthesia) and got me to sign the consent. After that a nurse came to set a plug on me. I was kinda surprised cos I thought the anesthetist would be setting the plug.

Staff nurse: "Have you had any prior experience (getting poked)?"
Me: " I only poke people. I have never been poked before!

Haha! Payback time.....

She whipped out a blue intravenous cannula (blue plugs are the smallest ones) - the new one without the wings - aka the kind that I dont like to use cos itz so difficult to stabalise them. Anyway, I was kinda surprised that she was only setting a blue one. I was thinking, how are they gonna resus me with a blue plug if I collapse or something! hehe

She tied the torniquet n commented about my good veins. I smiled weakly. I was telling myself it should be fine. Itz only a blue plug after all.
She then poked in - was like an ant bite. But as she pushed in the plastic cannula and retracted the needle..... wow, thatz when I felt the pain. Though momemtary, it was quite a bit painful. I was so glad it wasnt anything bigger than a blue plug! N once again I thought about the green plugs that I pushed in so easily into my ladies in labour. You will never know how it is till u experience it yourself.

And then, my surgeon came to explain the risks once again and got me to sign the consent. Shortly after that, I was brought into theatre. Took off my blue overall and lied down on the OT bed, directly below the lights. Around me all the hurry burry activites - the ever so familiar ones going on. Nurses scrubbing up, connecting me to the monitors, preparing the instruments and in the midst of all these, chatting with the anesthetist about how she got the scratch on her arm. I smiled at the familiar surrounding. The only differerence was that I was there not as an assistant but as a patient.

Now the worst part. This was the worst part of the whole experience so far. The anesthetist connected me to the drip. And then she told me that I'll be going to sleep soon. The other anesthetist had the oxygen mask ready and he put it over my face and asked me to take deep breaths. AND THEN,the anesthetist injected the propofol. My boy, it was so damn painful!!! I was squirming in pain. IT was not just painful but I could feel like this burning sensation running up my veins. It was really pretty unbearable!

The next thing I remember was that I woke up feeling a bit distressed. Could feel that my cheeks were bloated. N I was so distressed cos when I opened my eyes, my stomach was so painful! IT was this terrible gastritis sorta pain. I was like wincing and trying to make some noise but I couldnt. I heard a nurse saying that the op was over n I didnt really believe her for some reason. She repeated it again. But all I could think about was the terrible gastritis. I wanted some medication. I signalled to the nurse to give me some paper and pen to write. But she told me that I could talk. I tried but I think they gave some local anesthetic as well so it was really numb n I couldnt. Finally after flinging my hands all over in an attempt to communicate, she gave me a piece of paper n I wrote there 'IV omeprazole' (a medication for gastritis). It was really quite painful.

She propped me up and said itz probably because I was NBM ( nil by mouth) and that it will get better when i start burping. She gave me some apple juice to drink. She put a straw into the cup and told me to suck and I did but nothing went inside my mouth! I must have looked like a small kiddo who is just learning to use a straw. After a few attempts, I managed to get some apple juice in. And I burped. The gastric pain went off almost instantanoeusly! Haha, was kinda amazing!

I was just resting there. Just slept throughout. The pharmacist came by to give me the meds. Around evening, I went to change up and I was given a cup of ice milo while waiting for my mom to come and pick me up. The nursing staff were really nice. Oh ya, n I secretly took a picture of myself in the toilet to see how I looked after the op! ;) ( I took one yesterday to compare -before, after effect) Mom told me I was nuts! Hehe....

i was quite surprised about the GA. I thought like deep down I will feel something even after I was put under but nope not at all..... I was just completely knocked off. It was an experience!

N now Im back home. I dont quite look like a pumpkin as yet but we'll see.....
Please await the next review on POD 1 (post op day one) *winks*

Dinner at Marche

2009-04-24T17:40:00.000+08:00

I always thought Marche was a super expensive place n never really went there. But yesterday, I met up with my friend and we were looking for a vege place at Vivo since she's veg. N she suggested Marche as recommended by her friend.

The concept of the place was really interesting. Itz like a 'wet market' sorta concept where there are many stalls within the restaurant and they have loads of varieties from soups as starters to main course to desert. The food was really good! Especially the desert! Amazing..... We had like 4 dishes, mushroom creamy soup, Foccacia, vegetarian pizza and Apple crumble. The portions were big also. More importantly the ambiance of the place was really nice! I had yet another surprise when I seetled the bill. It only came up to like $22 for the both of us..... It would have been a lot more expensive in any other place!

Thanks Aish for recommending the place :)
I'm definitely going back there again!

Yeah!

2009-04-05T11:04:00.000+08:00

Really happy and excited! Have been high since yesterday..... Hehe! Finally something to look forward to!

:(

2009-03-27T23:13:00.000+08:00

This is so unexpected.....
Still shocked.....

Maybe it's just meant to be.....

2009-03-25T21:01:00.000+08:00

I'm confused

Is it me or is it everything thatz happening around me?

என்றென்றும் நினைவில்

2009-03-24T20:58:00.000+08:00

object width="425" height="344">

Dear Friend,

2009-03-23T22:07:00.000+08:00

I dont know where to begin
I dont know why I'm writing this
I dont know why today - But my friend
All I know is that the drop of tear
That rolls down the corner of your eye
As u read this belongs solely to me.....

I'm loaded with memories
The smile
Or more than that, the way you make me smile
The messages
Which I never replied to, but never had the heart to delete too
The spirit
That cheered me on whenever I was down

Today here we are seperated by more than just physical distance
Physical distance can be overcome but not what has come in between
I stand guilty for having let this distance grow
But one day I hope you will understand that
I sacrificed you for someone who sacrificed everything for me
I am not justifying my actions
I am simply sharing with you
Something that I've not done in a long time

Whereever life may lead us to
Whichever corner of the world I may be in
I want you to know that
You'll always be in my thoughts
You'll always have the special place that you've always had

Dear friend, I am not going to reveal your identity
I dont even know if you will chance upon this entry
But when you do, you will know that this was meant for you

Remember friend, nothing has changed though everything has changed
..... And Nothing will change!

Me and my horrible luck!

2009-03-23T16:39:00.000+08:00

I cant believe how absolutely screwed up my luck in this place is! Not only did I not get any slack posting or get anything less than 6 calls/ month, I cant even seem to find time to slot in my surgery! Itz so frustrating..... I hate to be stepping on people's toes..... Ttz why was hoping for the april schedule to be more decent. In no way it is man! Sigh......

Cute :)

2009-03-23T15:35:00.000+08:00

அண்மையில் ரசித்த பாடல்

2009-03-23T15:33:00.000+08:00

மழை நின்ற பின்பும் ---> படம்: ராமன் தேடிய சீதை

மழை நின்ற பின்பும் தூறல் போல உனை மறந்த பின்பும் காதல்
அலை கடந்த பின்பும் ஈரம் போல உனை பிரிந்த பின்பும் காதல்
எனக்கும் காதல் பிறந்திருக்கே அதற்குன் பெயர் வைக்கட்டுமா
எனக்குள் இதயம் தனித்திருக்கே அதை உன்னுடன் சேர்க்கட்டுமா

நீர் துளிகள் நிலம் விழுந்தால் பூக்கள் மெல்ல தலையசைக்கும்
என் மனதில் நீ நுழைந்தால் மௌனம் கூட இசை அமைக்கும்
பூங்குயில்கள் மறைந்திருந்தால் கூவும் ஓசை மறைவதில்லை
தாமரையாய் நானிருந்தும் தாகம் இன்னும் அடங்கவில்லை
பாதம் விரைந்து நடக்கும், இந்த பயணத்தில் ஏன் இந்த நடுக்கம்
வானம் இருக்கும் வரைக்கும் இந்த வானவில் உன்னுடன் இருக்கும்
மழைத்துளி பனித்துளி கலந்த பின்னே அது மறுபடி இரண்டென பிரிந்திடுமா?

கண் இமைகள் கைத்தட்டியே உன்னை மெல்ல அழைக்கிறதே
உன் செவியில் விழவில்லையே உள்ளம் கொஞம் வலிக்கிறதே
உன் அருகே நான் இருந்தும் உண்மை சொல்ல துணிவு இல்லை
கைகளிலே விரல் இருந்தும் கைகள் கோர்க்க முடியவில்லை
உன்னை எனக்குப் பிடிக்கும், அதை சொல்வதில்தானே தயக்கம்
நீயே சொல்லும் வரைக்கும் என் காதலும் காத்துக் கிடக்கும்
தினம் தினம் கனவினில் வந்துவிடு
நம் திருமண அழைப்பிதழ் தந்து விடு

அழகான பாடல், அருமையான வரிகள், மென்மையான இசை.....
பாடலை upload செய்ய தான் முடியவில்லை!

Frustrations!

2009-02-23T19:52:00.000+08:00

What gives people the right to decide about someone else's life? Especially when it is an absolutely unreasonable and irrational decision by any means! Itz simply beyond me when I think about how people can even think about doing this to an innocent life! And when help is just at the doorstep..... Not seeing is one thing but even refusing to see it ??? Anyway, who the hell am I to try and change the world?

On call blues!

2009-02-15T16:02:00.000+08:00

Hate to be on call when I'm sick..... Feeling so miserable! Sigh..... How to survive till tmr?

The little achievements in life ;)

2009-02-13T22:24:00.000+08:00

Finally managed to find time to do one of the many things that I've always wanted to do...... Learn swimming! Signed up for classes with my friend and we made it to the first lesson today! Yeah! Hope to continue on without much disruptions..... :)

Another one of those lamenting sessions.....

2009-02-10T20:39:00.000+08:00

There comes a point in life whereby people start telling you about how you should start planning your career, finances, marriage, future....... i.e. your life. I've been getting doses of that more often than not. But I just dont feel like doing anything about them. I look around me and most of my friends and colleagues are settled in at least one of the aspects. And the realisation that I am unsettled in anything is actually pretty scary. Even my job, well, housemanship is coming to an end. So what else now? So where will I be heading if I dont get the MO posting of my choice? N that is just one of the many concerns.....

But at the same time, I dont seem to be doing much about it. It's just this perpetual lethargy, lack of motivation...... N to be true to myself, time is not so much of an issue as it was before..... But there is just something missing..... Just cant figure out what it is...... Sigh!

சிங்கப்பூரில் தைப்பூசம்

2009-02-08T22:04:00.000+08:00

தைப்பூசத் திருவிழா இன்று சிறப்பாக நடந்தேறியது.

ஞாயிற்று கிழமையானதால் கூட்டம் பயங்கரமாக இருக்கும் என நினைத்து கோயிலுக்கு போக சற்று தயங்கிய எனக்கு (எனக்கு தான் கூட்டம் என்றாலே allergy ஆச்சே) சற்று வியப்பாக தான் இருந்தது. கூட்டம் இருக்க தான் செய்தது - ஆனால் அதே நேரத்தில் ஏற்பாடுகளும் சிறப்பாக இருந்தன. Crowd control சிறப்பான முறையில் நடந்தேறியது. இந்த முறை பெருமாள் கோயிலிலிருந்து நான் நடந்து வராவிட்டாலும், நடந்து வந்தவர்கள் ஆலயத்திற்கு வெளியில் அதிக நேரம் காத்திருக்கவில்லை. அதற்காக கடவுள் சன்னிதானத்திற்கு முன்பும் அவ்வளவாக மக்களை அவசரப் படுத்தவில்லை.

இந்த வருட தைப்பூச கொண்டாடத்தில் என்னைக் கவர்ந்த ஒரு அம்சம்: சுற்றுபுறத் தூய்மை. இதற்கு இந்த வருடம் அதிக முக்கியத்துவம் கொடுக்கப் பட்டிருந்தது. முக்கியமாக ஆலய வளாகம் தண்ணீர், பால் எல்லாம் சிந்தி தொரு தொரு வென இருக்காமல் சுத்தமாக, dryஆக இருந்தது. தண்ணீர் பந்தல் போடப்பட்டிருந்த இடங்களும் ஈரமாக இல்லாமல் அடிக்கடி சுத்தம் செய்யப்பட்டுக்கொண்டிருந்தன. இதற்கு ஆலய ஏற்பாட்டுக் குழு மட்டும்மல்ல, விழாவிற்கு வந்திருந்த மக்களும் முக்கிய காரணம்.

இது போன்ற விழாக்களில் உறவினர்கள், நண்பர்கள் போன்றவர்களையும் சந்திக்க முடிகிறது. அதுவும், சிங்கையில் தைப்பூசம் என்பது ஒரு கோயிலில் காணிக்கை செலுத்தும் விழாவாக இருப்பதால், அனைவரையும் ஒரு கூரையின் கீழ் சந்திக்க நேருகிறது. பல நாட்கள் தொடர்பு விட்டு போனவர்களை கூட இது போன்ற விசேஷங்களில் பார்க்க முடிகிறது.

தைப்பூச திருவிழா இந்தியர்களுக்கு மட்டும் அல்லாது நம் நாட்டில் வசிக்கும் பல இனத்தவரும் கலந்து கொள்ளும் கொண்டாட்டமாக அமைகிறது. இந்த ஆண்டு சற்று அதிகமான சீனர்கள் காவடி எடுப்பதை பார்க்க முடிந்தது.

ஆக மொத்ததில், மற்ற வருடங்களைப் போல், எப்போது வீட்டுக்கு போவோம் என்றில்லாமல், இன்னும் சிறிது நேரம் இருந்து பார்த்துவிட்டு போகலாமே என்ற உணர்வு ஏற்பட்டது.

My first baby

2009-01-27T13:55:00.000+08:00

I delivered my first baby! He was sooo cute n chubby! Abt 3.75kg.....

2009-01-01T21:41:00.000+08:00

மீண்டும் ஒரு தோல்வி

2008-12-20T21:33:00.000+08:00

4 மனிதர்களை தான் இணைக்க முடிந்தது.
இதயங்களை அல்ல.....

Belief

2008-11-25T21:39:00.000+08:00

Someone told me this today.....

Your belief controls your tap of potentials. If you believe that you cant, the tap is closed forever. However, if you choose to believe that you can do it, the tap opens and u unleash a great amount of potential which otherwise you never thought you had. So never tell yourself that u cant. Always belief in yourself and you can never go wrong.....

Very inspiring.....

தாயுமானவன்

2008-11-22T18:17:00.000+08:00

அண்மையில் படித்த மிக அழகான கதை.

கதையை எழுதியவர் வித்யா சுப்ரமணியம். இவரது கதைகளை எப்பவும் விரும்பி படிப்பேன். முற்போக்கு சிந்தனையோடு எழுதக் கூடியவர். எந்த ஒரு சூழ்நிலையையும் ஒரு வித்தியாசமான கோணத்தில் இருந்து பார்க்கக்கூடியவர். சாதாரணமாக வரும் கதைகளைப் போல் சிக்கலில் மாடிக்கொண்டிருக்கும் பெண்ணை ஆண் காப்பாற்றுவது போலவும், அரைத்த மாவை அரைக்கும் காதல் கதைகளும் எழுதாமல் ஆண் பெண் இருவரின் உணர்வுகளையும் மிக அழகாக வர்ணித்து எழுதக் கூடியவர்.

நூலகத்திலிருந்து அம்மா தான் இந்த புத்தகதை இரவல் வாங்கி வந்தார். முதலில் மேசை மேல் இந்த புத்தகத்தை பார்த்த போது 'தாயுமான' என்ற வார்த்தைகள் மட்டும் தான் தெரிந்தது. கடைசி எழுத்து நூலக barcodeஆல் மறைக்கப்பட்டிருந்தது. 'தாயுமானவள்' என்பது தான் தலைப்பாக இருக்கும் என நான் யூகித்து கொண்டு புத்தகத்தை கையில் எடுக்க, தாயுமானவன் என்ற தலைப்பை பார்த்ததும் சற்று வியப்படைந்தேன்.

ஒரு தந்தையின் அன்பை வெளிகொணரும் புத்தகம் தான் இது. ஒரு பெண் குழந்தையை ஆணால் தனியாக வளர்க்க முடியாது என் சுற்றி இருப்பவர்கள் கூற அதையெல்லாம் பொருட்படுத்தாது, அந்தக் குழந்தையை தந்தையாகவும், தாயாகவும் (ஆதலால், தாயுமானவன்) தோழனாகவும் வளர்க்கும் ஒரு தந்தையின் கதை. ஒரு தந்தைக்கும் மகளுக்கும் இருக்கும் உறவை மிக எளிதாக, அழகாக சொன்ன பெருமை எழுத்தாளரைச் சேரும். இந்தப் பெண் குழந்தையாக இருந்த போது சுற்றி இருக்கும் மற்ற குழந்தைகளைப் போல் தாய் வேண்டும் என கேட்கும் போது அந்த தந்தை புடவை ஒன்றை உடுத்திக் கொண்டு, நான் தான் உன் தாய் என அந்தக் குழந்தையை சமாதானப் படுத்துகிறார். அதே குழந்தை வளர்ந்து பெண்ணாகி பூப்படையும் போது இதே போல் புடவை உடுத்திக் கொண்டு ஒரு தாயாக இருந்து அந்தப் பெண்ணுக்கு என்ன செய்யவேண்டும் என்று சொல்லித்தருகிறார். அதைப் படிக்கையில் விழிகளில் நீர் படர்ந்தது. எவ்வளவு அழகாக இந்த தந்தை கதாபாத்திரத்தை எழுத்தாளர் வடித்திருக்கிறார்......

இதே தந்தை கணவனாக தன் மனைவியின் மீது காட்டிய அன்பும், அந்த மனைவிக்காக செய்த தியாகமும், அதற்காக அவர் அனுபவித்த தண்டனையும் மிக அழகாக எழுதப்பட்டிருந்தது.

ஆக மொத்ததில் பல நாட்கள் கழித்து ஒரு அருமையான நாவல் படித்த திருப்தி. இந்த கதாபாத்திரத்தில் வருபவரை போல் ஒரு தந்தையோ, கணவரோ கிடைப்பாரென்றால், எத்தனை ஆண்டுகள் வேண்டுமானாலும் ஒரு பெண் தவமிருக்கலாம்.

Simply feeling sian......

2008-11-10T20:56:00.000+08:00

Feeling sian once again......Pre pre call blues partly but more of ' I should be doing something more with my life but I'm not' sorta sian-ness. It's so ironical. Sometimes it feels like i being such a whine.

At the dawn of each day or on the days when I'm stuck in hospital for calls, I tell myself that I should make use of my post work hours well. Do something. Catch up with a friend. Spend some quality time at home. Do some proper reading. But it hardly happens. By the time the day ends, all I can think of is getting home, eating and sleeping. And i absolutely dont feel guilty about slouching on the sofa in front of the tv till I start dosing off, until I wake up the next morning n realise that I just wasted another few precious hours doing nothing. Sometimes getting the time to do nothing itself is a luxury and it feels good to not do anything too. But my list of 'to do' things is also growing exponentially. Sighz......

(There's really not much of point to this entry other than to whine out aloud - Sometimes it helps to relieve some of the sian-ness)

The hardest part of the profession

2008-10-17T21:50:00.000+08:00

The hardest part of this profession - letting go

When colleagues and seniors tell you that it's something that you will eventually get used to, I wonder how true it is. Of course, itz true that things dont stop when one patient passes on. Life still goes on. The room gets cleaned and before you know it, you have a new patient admitted there waiting for you to clerk. At most you mourn silently for a few seconds and then u go about your daily work. And over breakfast or lunch, you talk about how it happened and if anything could have been done to change the outcome of things.

But every now and then you come across someone who means more than just another patient. For some reason, you give them the extra bit of attention, the extra bit of care.
And itz even harder letting go of such patients.....

I had hopes for him even though I saw him last at a stage when he was on his way on the path of no return. Oh well, some things are really beyond you. At least he doesnt have to suffer anymore......

Letting go

2008-10-15T21:53:00.000+08:00

I have never felt so helpless before.

Standing there, not being able to do anything but watch as the candle melts away, as every gasp of breath comes with such effort......

Life is just so fragile.....

நினைவாஞ்சலி

2008-10-12T20:40:00.000+08:00

ஒரு வருடம் உருண்டோடி விட்டது.

என்னவோ நேற்று நடந்தது போல் இருக்கிறது.

கண்களை மூடினால், இன்னும் எல்லாம் நிழல் படம் போல் ஓடுகிறது.....

இந்த ஒரு வருடத்தில் தான் எத்தனை மாற்றங்கள்?

எது மாறினாலும் உன் புன்னகை என்றும் என் நினைவிலிருந்து மாறாது.

The first 4 months

2008-09-06T18:10:00.000+08:00

1/3rd of Housemanship is over. Can't believe it's been four months...... Can't use the 'I'm still a new HO' excuse anymore. Haha..... not that it was ever an excusable excuse.....

The past four months have been full of ups and downs.....Sometimes, more downs than ups but on the whole, it has been a very good experience. My first month was tough, ironically, as it was supposed to be the team with the lightest workload. But I guess it helped set the tone. That's the way things worked most times anyway. It was a realistic start to work life. 2nd month was when I never saw daylight. 30 days of reaching hospital at 6/6.30am and leaving at 10pm (minus the weekends where I used to get off earlier). It was also a month that taught me some important lessons. Some that will remain etched in memory forever. I also met many nice souls during that period. My fellow colleagues, the team, the Nurses who will save food for you, who will make coffee for you when you are half dead during the call..... All these made it a very nice environment to work in. I guess, when you know that your work is appreciated, you dont mind doing the extra bit of hard work.

The 3rd month was completely different from the 2nd. From surviving on one meal a day, I moved on to going for breakfast at 10, lunch at one followed by tea and then back to hospital for exit. Had very nice seniors, who provided guidance and who were very willing to teach. I also did my first op that month! I removed 4 lipomas! It was sooo cool..... Haha

Last month in GS turned out to be one of the best. I really enjoyed myself in the team. VERY nice people to work with. Seniors who constantly check on you to make sure you've had lunch, seniors who dont order changes unnecessarily on weekends and during exit rounds so that the HOs dont go back late. Felt very taken care of......

And now moving on......
Hopefully the next four months will be a good experiene as well.

Still miss my GS days......

Living Iife

2008-08-31T22:13:00.000+08:00

All my life I've been too much of a goody two shoes. For a long time, everything in life was black and white for me. It's either good or bad. There was never a grey zone. And looking back, I've lost out on so much because of this. From opportunities to do things to losing out on some of the best moments with friends n stuff. It took me a long time before I finally realised how much I've lost. When you hear people talking about their school lives, they have just so many things to share - the pranks they've played n stuff. I cant think of anything like that. I cant think of something naughty or something bad that I've done. I cant think of a time when I got into trouble for something silly that i did. That's how much of an uptight person I was. Maybe that was why I was always liked by teachers and my friends' parents. But the cost of that was that I never lived my age. N I only started loosening up after finishing JC and Uni was a good oppertunity to think through things n it has helped me find a balance. To a lot of people around me, I'm still very uptight. But I'm happy with the balance I've found for myself and to me that's more important than what others think about it. Sometimes it's just important to let down your hair and let it fly with the wind even though it makes you look untidy. And this is precisely the advice that I give my sister whenever I can because I dont want her to loose out on the things that I did.

So now, I finally want to live life the way I've always wanted to. I want to do things that I've always wanted to do but never had the chance to. And in case anyone's wondering, the cause of the change is purely self reflection and nothing else. No, I'm certainly not being influenced by anyone. And this is probably the best time to do it. I dont have to worry about studying, marks, etc for some time at least. I know for myself that time is the biggest limiting factor. I know that work commitments are so bad at times that I dont have time for my family and friends at times. And life probably doesnt get that much better from what I see my MOs and Registrars going through. But I've also learnt that if I'm gonna sit around and complain that I dont have time to do this and that, there's never gonna be an end to it. Sometimes, if you really wanna do something, you have to make time for it. And maybe because I dont want to lose out on things anymore, I tend to be a bit more aggressive than my usual self when it comes to pushing the red tapes. But I have no intention of upsetting anyone and I dont want to do things at the expense of upsetting others, which is my weakness as well. All i dont want is for my weakness to be exploited.

All I want to do is to live life to the fullest. More than the five years spent in medical school, these four months at work have thought me the uncertainty of life. You can never predict how tomorrow will be like and sometimes tomorrow never comes. And so, I want to live today to the fullest. I dont want to live in regrets. Not anymore. It's not something bad I'm asking for right?It's not. That's what I think and I believe I'm right.

"It's like thinking a caged sparrow can't fly and then refusing to open the cage door to give it a chance to even try........There's a wide wide world out there, and so many things I want to learn and see and do....... Don't keep me caged in now, let me have my chance to fly out too!"
- Dawan in Sing to the Dawn (One of my favourite excerpts from the book)

I was caged too for a long time, strangely, by myself. Resisting the urge to fly out even when the cage door was wide open. Now, I'm finally ready.

Work cm

2008-07-14T19:35:00.000+08:00

One week of break is ending and work starts cm (coming morning). I'm really glad for the break even though I didnt get to do everything i wanted to.

The most memorable event this week was graduation. Just didnt have the time to write about it. Commencement 2008. What an apt term! This two months at work has taught me that this journey which I have embarked on is just the beginning. The VERY beginning of everything. Indeed like what my medicine tutor told me in year three of med school:

"Truly MBBS is the PSLE of medicine. You aint seein nothin yet and it aint over till it's over"

Well, it felt good to have at least gotten over PSLE (once again). Haha

The ceremony meant lots more to my family i guess. Something they've been looking forward to for a long time. As for me, it's kinda sad that I didnt have that sense of overwhelming emotions as I walked up the stage. Not as much as when I received my results after the finals. What I felt was more of happiness and satisfaction cos I had the chance to make my parents happy.

The phototaking subsequently was fun. Felt like a star. Haha.....

So, back to waking up at 4.45 am. Sighz...... Looking forward to the next break already. Haah.

Holidays are NEVER enough....

Holidays!

2008-07-05T10:50:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning to see the clear blue sky..... Just lay in bed, basking in the sunshine for a few minutes before scrambling to find my handphone. It was 7.30 am. Morning ward rounds would have started. I smiled to myself. No waking up at 4.30am, barely being able to grab breakfast, catching the 1st bus just so that I can reach work on time do the most impt task : Updating 'THE LIST'. Checking and rechecking to make sure that patients are not missed out, that the bed numbers are correct, that the latest blood results are updated.Haiz..... No more of that at least for week. Feels really good! Itz a well deserved break especially after the month at colorectal - days starting at 6/630 and ending at 1030 or later. It was a very tiring month but I really enjoyed the posting n learnt a lot. I realised how much of a difference a gd working environtment can make. People think I'm crazy but ya I still do miss working there.

Anyway, itz the BREAK finally! I was so looking forward to it! :D gonna make full use of it ;) Haha.....

Dear Friend.....

2008-05-18T21:22:00.000+08:00

When two people have shared

as much as you and I have;

When they've opened up

their hearts,

shared their dreams,

thoughts, and fears;

When two people

Know each other well enough

To know if sadness

is hiding behind a smile

or if happiness is glowing in the eyes;

When they've shared

so many laughs,

and when each other's pain

at times has triggered tears;

When two people

believe in one another

and are always sincere

to each other;

When they've trusted

one another with the truth

that lies within -

Then you can be sure

that they are friends for life...

Just like you and me.

- Zoe Dellous

Remember this dae? It was my birthday present from you a few years back..... It has been one of the best so far. I'm really glad we met up today. Missed u loads.....

My weekend off!

2008-05-17T10:12:00.000+08:00

I finally got my weekend off! :D After working continuously for two weeks! Yeah! And all three days off! Haha..... The little things in life to rejoice about! This is something that I'm never gonna get in a long time to come so better make full use of it. Haha.....

Met up with the girls yesterday after almost 5 months! It was really good to see you da kannas! I still cant believe how excitable we are even after all these years! Haha..... Nothing much has changed since Crescent times in that sense. Catching up was great ya guys..... Hope to c u pple soon. :)

I'm truly rejoicing every minute of my 'holiday'. Haha

Worth

2008-05-15T21:00:00.001+08:00

One forwarded email that I received:

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by: holding up a $20.00 bill In the room of 200, he asked, 'Who would like this $20 bill?' Hands started going up. He said, 'I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill . He then asked, 'Who still wants it?' Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, 'What if I do this?' And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. 'Now, who still wants it?' Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it.' If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems.

'And remember: amateurs built the ark .... professionals built the Titanic.

1st call

2008-05-14T19:23:00.000+08:00

I survived my first call!

Actually on the whole, it was a very good call by all measures. I had 8 admissions and managed to get 2 hours of sleep.

But I was really dying in the middle of call. Most of my admissions came in from 4pm to 12pm and i think out of 8, 5 went into high dependency ward and required lots of urgent investigations. I probably became tbe On-call radiologist's new found enemy. Was calling him every half an hour to arrange for urgent scans for different patients. And in addition, I was constantly running to and fro from A&E to the wards. I was pretty slow too I guess. Was kinda lost initially and ended up getting pushed around between A&E staff and ward staff. Sighz..... Only managed to find time to change into scrubs around 2am in the morning.

And on top of all these, I was having a horrible headache. I skipped dinner cos there was no time, which made the headache even worse. Managed to get ponstan from one of the ward nurses and took the meds after a cup of milo, only to throw everything up a while later. Felt slightly better after throwing up but the headache got worse +++ . But had to settle an urgent referral of a patient to another specialist immediately so dragged myself to the ward, hoping I wont end up collapsing along the corridors requiring resuscitation. . Felt like running away from hospital. For the first time I had regrets. I started thinking about whether this was what I wanted to do after all. Was really at breaking point by then. Finally decided that I really needed a break after settling the blue letter i.e. referral letter. Met Belle in the wards as I was getting another cup of milo from the vending machine. Thanks Belle for sitting down with me for a while even when your call was getting really busy! Yep, so went to lie down for abt 20 min after that before proceeding on to finish up the rest of the changes. Felt a lot better after that.....

Finished clerking and changes around 3.30. Updated the list for the next day and went to bed. My MO's sms to me before I went to get some sleep: Hope to see you only at rounds in the morning! Haha.....

Managed to get about 2 hours of sleep unlike the passive HO whose phone was ringing every ten minutes as he desperately tried to get some sleep.

I was really glad to have a very supportive MO. It was harder in the earlier part of the evening as she was operating and I was all on my own. Things got slightly better after she came down.

I guess on the whole, I take it as a personal achievement for surviving through this call. Even though having only 8 admissions is considered a luxury +++.

I bumped into one of the patients I saw during my call in the wards this morning.

"Hey doctor, u stay the whole night is it? Whoa, u must be tired ah! Go and rest ok. Oh ya, thanks for taking care of me yesterday ah. My pain is a lot better now. Thanks ah doctor! " (even though it was my reg who prescribed the meds which relieved the pain. haha.....)

All that suffering during the call didnt go to waste.....

1st week at work

2008-05-09T21:55:00.000+08:00

Drained, Demoralised and Dejected

And my hopes of getting this weekend off - something that I was looking forward to from the start of the week - were dashed today. Had lots of plans that I was so eagerly looking forward to..... sighz

Lessons learnt in the 1st week:
1) One bowl of cornflakes can actually last me from 5am in the morning till 10pm at night. Amazing yea?

2) Being able to spend more than 3 hours at home (excluding sleeping time) is a luxury. (My routine for the past week: Wake up - bathe - eat - work - back home - bathe - eat - sleep)

3) Scoldings are a part and parcel of life. Learning to smile and to move on with the rest of day as per normal after a bout of scolding is an essential skill.

And this is just the 1st week.

Actually it hasn't been that bad. I mean, my workload is pretty decent compared to a lot of others. I guess today hasnt been that great a day.

Just gotta start afresh tmr. Let bygones be bygones. No point feeling down and depressed - it aint gonna help.

Oh well, I will survive, or so hope.

May 2nd

2008-05-01T21:44:00.000+08:00

It's May 2nd tmr. Start of working life officially. The day I was looking forward to since I set foot into medical school 5 years ago. It's been a long journey and now I'm finally here at the end, or rather at the beginning of it all.

I'm happy, excited but at the same time, there's a good amount of apprehension lingering at the back of my mind. Maybe it's the one week of scary stories that is taking its toll. I dont know.

Yesterday was Dean's office's orientation programme for us, the incoming housemen. One of the seniors spoke to us about her experience as a house officer. She has spoken to us many times before - at the various milestones of medical school i.e. start of clinical years, year 5 and now the start of housemanship. Her talks have always been very inspiring and yesterday's one was no exception. It amazing how she always manages to keep her spirits up and be so positive about everything.

As I listened to her speech and later recited the Physician's pledge with the rest of the class, I was just thinking. About what being a doctor means to me at the end of 5 years in medical school. I remember being asked this question at my medical interview. "What does being a doctor mean to you?" And i remember saying this - Being a doctor means someone who can care and comfort even when he's not able to cure. It must have sounded damn cliche to the interviewers but i truly said this before i heard of the existance of the motto "to cure sometimes, to relieve often and to comfort always".

Now as i'm about to start this journey, all I hope is that I'm able to live up to what I said. And on top of all these, Primum non nocere ( do no harm). I hope I do justice to the 'DR' in front of my name. It's not going to be easy, but I'm gonna try my best.....

Dreams

2008-04-27T19:28:00.000+08:00

The Alchemist – my first Paula Coelho book. When I picked up the book initially, the first few pages didn’t really interest me and so I put it away. I’m so used to reading thrillers and mysteries that I expect the story to start in the first page itself. It was only a while later – actually a few days later when I was bored and had nothing else to read that I picked up the book again. This time, I started off with the introduction, something which I don’t usually read. But it was precisely this part of the book which rekindled my interest in the story.

The alchemist is a story about a shepherd’s dream. In writing about how the shepherd goes forth to pursue his dream, the author puts across the message about the importance of living for one’s dreams. The shepherd’s dream is to find a treasure which is hidden in the Pyramids of Egypt. Seems very unrealistic (even in the context of the story itself) , and in certain ways unnecessary as well, for he could have gone on with his life, married the love of his life and lived happily instead of embarking on this journey which could prove very well to be a futile trip and could cost him his life even. However, eventually he chooses to believe in his dreams and goes for what he wants. This was not an instantaneous decision. It was made after he crossed many hurdles and many a time, he was on the verge of giving up on his dream.
The story brought about many points to ponder. A lot of us do not even realize what we want in life and among the few who do know what we want, we are held back by a lot of reasons – family, friends, work, society etc. The list is never ending in a way. And sometimes, it just can’t be helped, or so we think. Commitments at home, at work hold us up and we push the pursuit of our dreams to a later date, only to realize that by the time we find the time to go for our goals, it’s too late. Now, if the decision to embark on the journey is hard as it is, the journey itself proves to be no less challenging. Failures hold us back when we are so close to realizing our goals. Very few pick up the pieces from these failures and go forth to accomplish what they set out to do. It is however not an easy task by any means. Not only do they have to live with the impact of the failure, they also have to deal with the day to day consequences of that failure. It is in fact, these people who can truly take pride in their success when they eventually do.

Finally, the four obstacles to achieving one’s dreams (generally true I guess even though I don’t quite agree with everything that he says) – In Coelho’s words:

1. “We are told from childhood onward that everything we want to do is impossible. We grow up with this idea and as the years accumulate so too do the layers of prejudice, fear and guilt.”

2.“Love – We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. … We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.”

3. “Fear of the defeats we will meet on the path”

4. “Fear of realizing the dream for which we fought all our lives – The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either”

“Dreams are like stars...you may never touch them, but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny.” - unknown

After a long tiring week.....

2008-04-25T23:56:00.000+08:00

Itz been some time since I blogged. This week has been pretty draining - and it's just orientation. Kinda felt that one week was unnecessary for we spent a lot of precious time doing useless stuff or stuff we've gone through before. Oh well.....

Pretty glad I'm starting off with a nice team, more than manageable workload (just hope things dont change for the month), gd call schedule etc. Really can't ask for more :)

Beach outing today was GOOD! I got there earlier than the rest so was walking around for some time. It was a very refreshing change. Just walking alongside the beach with only the sound of the waves in the background and the sun setting in a distance..... Beautiful! It was worth making the effort to come down after a long tiring day. Maybe I'll make it a regular chill out place since itz pretty close to hospital.

Catching up with everyone was great as usual! Though it would have been better if there was more sunlight so that 'we can actually see each other'. Haha..... Cant be helped I guess with everyone running on different schedules. That aside, it was really great to have everyone around! Or most at least. Thanks for coming down guys!

I just realised how much I miss my CG (clinical group).....

Unexpected.....

2008-04-16T17:22:00.001+08:00

We were all supposed to get through this together..... Wat the hell?!

D-day tmr

2008-04-15T21:59:00.000+08:00

Results tmr..... The moment of truth

புத்தாண்டு வாழ்த்துகள்

2008-04-13T22:21:00.000+08:00

புத்தாண்டு புதிய தொடக்கங்களுக்கு வித்திடும் வேளையில், மனதில் அமைதி நிலைக்கவும், வாழ்வில் மகிழ்ச்சி பொங்கவும், எண்ணங்கள் நிறைவேறவும் இனிய நல்வாழ்த்துகள்!

Baking

2008-04-09T16:51:00.000+08:00

Did some baking yesterday. Wanted to bake something different from the usual cakes and biscuits, so was searching for recipes for a long time. Finally came across the Apple Pie recipe. So decided to try that out, together with a lime and coconut pudding. I thought the apple pie recipe sounded kinda dubious but that was the one that turned out well, I should say. I was pretty impressed with my apple pie :) Haha..... The pudding was not too bad except that I added a bit too much of lime juice. Here are some pictures:

சிந்தனைத் துளி

2008-04-07T11:19:00.000+08:00

நம்மவரிடையே இருக்கும் சில வேடிக்கையான பழக்கங்களில் இதுவும் ஒன்று. ஒரு விசேஷம் என்று வந்துவிட்டால், அதில் இன்னார் இவ்வளவு மொய் வைத்தார்ர், இன்னார் இந்த பரிசுப் பொருள் கொடுத்தார் என லிஸ்ட் போட்டு வைத்து கொண்டு, பின்னர் அவரவர் வீடுகளில் நிகழ்ச்சிகள் வரும்போது அவர் செய்த அளவிற்கு மீண்டும் திருப்பிச் செய்வது. முதன் முதலில் இப்படி ஒரு பழக்கத்தை பார்த்த போது வேடிக்கையாக இருந்தது. உறவாக இருந்தாலும் நட்பாக இருந்தாலும், அன்பின் அடிப்படையில் அல்லவா கொடுக்கும் பொருளோ பரிசோ அமையவேண்டும்? (அதற்காக, அன்பு என்பது கொடுக்கும் பரிசின் அளவில் இருக்கின்றது என்று சொல்லவில்லை). உண்மையான அன்போடு வாங்கி கொடுக்கும் ஒரு பத்து காசு மிட்டாயின் மதிப்பு கடனுக்காக கொடுக்கும் நூறு வெள்ளி பரிசுப் பொருளுக்கு ஈடாகுமா?

இப்பழக்கத்தைப் பற்றி கேட்ட போது, அதாவது விருப்பம் இல்லாமல், 'அவர் செய்தார்' என்பதற்காக செய்யவில்லை. சில நேரங்களில், அவர் செய்த அளவிற்கு மேலாக செய்தால் பிரச்சனை இல்லை. ஆனால், அவர் செய்ததை விட குறைவாக செய்தால் நன்றாக இராது எனும் பதில் வந்தது. இந்த கூற்றிலும் உண்மை இருக்கிறது. திருமணம் முடிந்த மறுமறுநாட்களில் அந்த வீட்டினரை சந்திக்கும் போது, ' நான் அவள் பெண்ணின் கல்யாணதிற்கு 100 வெள்ளி மொய் வச்சேன். ஆனா இவ எங்க வீட்டு கல்யாணதுக்கு 25 வெள்ளி மட்டும் வச்சிடு போறா' எனும் பேச்சுகள் காதில் வந்து விழும். சிரிப்பாக இருக்கும். அதே நேரத்தில் இப்படிபட்ட குறுகிய மனப்பான்மை என்று மாறப்போகிறது என்ற ஆதங்கமும் ஏற்படும்.

ஒருவருக்கு கூறும் வாழ்த்துகளோ கொடுக்கும் பரிசுகளோ அன்பின் அடிப்படையில் அமைய வேண்டும். இன்னும் சொல்லப் போனால் எந்த வித எதிர்பார்ப்புகளும் இல்லாமல் செய்யப் பட வேண்டும். எதிர்பார்புகள் இல்லாமல், 'என் மனதிற்கு பிடித்திருக்கின்றது, அதனால் உனக்கு நான் செய்கிறேன்' என்ற எண்ணத்தோடு செய்யும் போது, ஏமாற்றங்கள் இருக்க்காது. ஆனால் எதிர்பார்புகள் இல்லாமல் செய்வது எல்லோராலும் முடியாது. என்ன இருந்தாலும் நாம் எல்லோரும் மனிதர்கள் தானே? நான் என் நண்பரின் பிறந்த நாளை நினைவு வைத்து வாழ்த்து கூறுகிறேன். ஆனால், என் பிறந்தநாளன்று அவரிடம் இருந்து வாழ்த்து வரவில்லை என்றால், ஏமாற்றமும் வருத்தமாகவும் தான் இருக்கும். ஒரு வகையில் பார்க்கப் போனால், இந்த ஏமாற்றமும் அன்பின் வெளிப்பாடுதான். ஆக முழுக்க முழுக்க எதிர்பார்புகள் இல்லாமல் ஒருவருக்கு செய்யமுடியாவிட்டாலும், கணக்கு பார்காமல் செய்யலாமே? அதே போல், அந்த பரிசைப் பெறுபவர்களும் கணக்கு பார்க்காமல், வாங்கினால் சிறப்பாக இருக்கும். எனது சிந்தனையில் மலர்ந்த சிறு துளி. சிந்தித்துப் பார்போம்.....

Food!

2008-04-05T18:26:00.000+08:00

Feels really good to have time at hand. Finally, i can go out without having to worry about the tons of work awaiting me at home. Just a week ago, spending more than 15 minutes on lunch or dinner was a sin and an absolute waste of time. N the past two days, i've been spending 3 hours on lunch! Haha..... Never felt better in a long time :)
Lunch at swensen's was great today. The white chocolate blondie (below) was heavenly..... It's the closest to Bangalore's Sizzling brownie so far! Good food really makes one's day! :)

Slow Dance

2008-04-03T09:45:00.001+08:00

Have you ever watched kids on a merry - go -round?

Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down. Don't dance so fast.

Time is short. The music will not last.

Do you run through each day on the fly?

When you ask, "How are you?"

Do you hear the reply?

Do you lie in bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short. The music will not last.

Ever told your child, " We'll do it tomorrow."

And in your haste not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die?

Cause you never had the time

To call and say "Hi". You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short. The music won't last

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It's like an unopened gift.....

Thrown away

Life is not a race

Do take it slower

Hear the music!

Before the song is over.

- unknown

I read this somewhere a long time ago..... I guess I am guilty of running through life as if it were a race, many times especially in the past 5 years. But the past 6 months have taught me the importance of slowing down. The importance of appreciating the small things in life. The importance of spending time with your loved ones. Life is very unpredictable. You often don't realise what you are missing until it's gone..... sometimes forever.... And no amount of regret is going to bring back what's gone. So slow down n let's hear the music before the song is over.....

Final MBBS is over!

2008-04-02T00:27:00.000+08:00

Final exams are over!

I wanted to start this blog before exams and blog about how things are along the way. But kinda figured that I'd never get down to it with the amount of studying left to do. It's amazing how something that seems like just another exam in the phase of life can leave you so drained. The past month was literally like a roller coaster ride - both physically and emotionally. More downs than ups for me though. The stress level was unbearable and there were just so many times when I was at breaking point. Sighz..... Just thinking about how the first day of exams was or the day before surgery clinicals was gives me goosebumps.

Thanks to all of you who were really supportive during this trying period. Those calls, smses, emails really meant a lot..... A very special thanks goes to my med gang..... I so couldnt have gotten through this period without all u guys! Thanks so much!

Medical school was fun but I'll never sit for the final mbbs exams ever again, even if u give me a million dollars!